I get texts from unknown numbers and this is how I respond

Unknown number text:

Add me on Snapchat! Username: theparkertribe

My response:

Thank you for joining Trump/Palin 2016. Your cell service will be charged $9.95 per month, and for that low fee you will get updates on the Donald Trump – Sarah Palin presidential campaign. Your cell number will be charged within three business days. You will soon begin receiving updates from the front lines of freedom. Thank you again for joining the party. If you’d like to cancel your membership just text the word CANCEL.

Unknown number response:

Sign me up thrice!

My response:

Thank you for upgrading to the Trump/Palin live text feed. Your phone will be charged an additional $75.99 per month for live video from the campaign of straight talking Donald J Trump. Once the charge has been verified we will send you a somewhat personal video message from The Donald. If at any time you would like to cancel, you must give a 3 month notice. During that cooling off period your cell number will be charged $99.99 daily until we can process your request. Just text TURDBALL and we will begin the lengthy process of removing our super informative service from your cell plan (usually takes 6 months) – thanks again and you will soon get live updates from Iowa, of all places.

Unknown number response:

I, sir or madam, am not some glowbal village idiot. You do not need to worry about me texting “turdbill” there is no way I want out of this gleaming momentous monument moment in are history when these to partrioticna Mericans will fix are cuntry! Down with queers. Poke me in the rears! 

My response:

Ain’t no mezican gonna ruin this once great country” – The Donald. As I am sure you know, Mr. Trump has many friends who are either gay, Latino or hummer sezzual. He even once asked a gay man “top or bottom” so he is both unafraid and unaware, basically everything the public demands in a republican presidential candidate.

Unknown number response:

Amen and allaluhia. Are cuntry will be great again. Sarah plain and stupid will see to it.

My response:

No, thank you for your continued support, because America demands real leadership and when America asks for something. America gets that something. In spades.

Unknown number response:

Don’t be racist. Out loud.  Oh Lordy.

My response:

As you know, the Trump organization is entitled to great tax cuts because of our online ponzi investment scheme. So thanks for that.

Unknown number response:

Glory be. The Donald knows what’s good and right.

My response:

Plus, if elected, President Trump will end gay marriage, gay weddings, gay circuses and gay stuff in general. Nothing racist about that.

Unknown number response:

No nuthin. But honestly the black and Asian gays. They go too far.

My response:

Once again. The Trump campaign thanks you for your five thousand dollar investment/bribe.

Unknown number response:

Lazy somsabitchez. 

I literally can not wait

Please

Hurry

My response:

Once again, we thank you for your interest in jack booted thugs.

Unknown number response:

Fox News went to a commercial

My response:

Plus, for a small token charge of 175.97 you will receive a bumper sticker for your Subaru, a cocktail menu from some New Hampshire dive and three brand new pennies.

Unknown number response:

Rooiise

DEAL

AND. A bargain

My response:

Rooise? Miss, or sir. You appear to be drunk.

Unknown number response:

Rooose

My response:

Of course, French is my favorite language

Unknown number response:

Causin I’m not really gay

My response:

No, I’m sorry. Most people say you are gay. My mistake. A recent Fox News poll found 99 percent of elderly white people found you “obnoxiously gay” 

Unknown number response:

Is that a fact?

Or a fox fact?

My response:

Fox Facts are like real facts, except stranger. That is true.

Unknown number response:

I thought they were like true facts but more fictional. 

Kinda loosey goosey. Like Donald’s neck.

My response:

Ma’am, or whomever, as you must understand, when asked if fiction was better than true stuff. Ernie Hemmingway said, and I quote, “say what minstrel girly man?”

Unknown number response:

Profundity knows no limit when it comes to musing oboists.

Or mysogonists 

My response:

As it says in the bible, “sticks and stones” and a lot of other stuff relating to shell fish, man on man love action and polyester.

Unknown number response:

It does indeed. PREACH

My response:

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an rehearsal for the local production of Vagina Monologues (spoiler alert, i play the lead vagina)

Unknown number response:

Type casting

Not shocking

But seriously.

My response:

8 times per week I put THAT costume on – imagine the shame.

Good day sir!

Unknown number response:

Madam!

My response:

I said GOOD DAY!

Unknown number response:

Indeed.

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