Never talk chili with an angry lesbian attorney

As many of you know, I have won “Best Blueberry Pancake” of the year for the last 5 years in a row, so it’s not a big deal that once again, Beth Libitard (famous mob attorney and Harvard Law graduate, out and proud lesbian lawyer and overweight former super model) complies a list of her top edible foods. This year, I finally broke the top 5 in homemade chili.

What is shocking is I have only made chili once in my entire lifetime and that was yesterday. I guess making the Libitard List of Eats is not as pristine as I always imagined, but that is neither here nor there. What’s impressive is that Beth Libitard recently optioned some of her life story to CBS Productions, which has plans to do a 15 episode series.

From what I have heard, Beth’s story is a mix of Mad Men (she loves old suits) to Seinfeld (she loves many Jews) and Breaking Bad (she has a little trouble with the meth). I have not heard much more, except that Alex Balwin has already committed to “not doing shit.”

This morning I got a call from an effeminate sounding woman calling to ask how much it would cost to hire me as a consultant to “Beth, a life of drama and heavy petting.” Of course I hung up the phone, I have important things to do, like cook chili, I can’t be bothered by some Hollywood liberal telling me what to do.

Soon enough, someone like Bruce Wills rang me up, now keep in mind, I am making chili, award winning chili. I have a long history with Willis, having once shared a bed and some chocolate. I did not answer because I was listening to Forever Young in a cleaver version by Audra Mae and the Forest Rangers. My phone was again buzzing and the return number was the White House and I learned a long time ago, never take a call from anyone at the White House when cooking (thanks Dick, Nixon.)

Bottom line, quite possibly the best chili ever made is slow cooking, my lesbian lawyer is on the verge of selling a couple weeks of her life story for 17 million dollars and just yesterday I found our suicidal fish had finally found a way to end it. So, all in all, this has been just a regular, sort of normal, day.

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