The dog days of winter

A lot of people complain when they have guests staying with them, complaining that the guests don’t clean up the way they like, don’t do the dishes, don’t turn off the electric appliances, all sorts of complaints. Not me. No, not me at all. Except of course when those guests are the unwanted former children of my lesbian lawyer and fairly famous right wing Fox News spokesman Beth Libitard, who has been hosting a series of unclean and disgusting “friends” of hers in my house.
Sure, you say, who are you to complain. Which is true, who am I to complain. That is really true. I generally have radical Islamic freaks staying with me, planning the overthrow of Syria and trying new recipes for some sort of flem based bread. I really should not complain, but here I am, rambling like a fool on meth.
I woke up this morning with my face being licked and while this is not an unknown experience for me, this morning it was a little bit different since the face licker was none other than Regis Philbin, the former early morning talk show host and currently an unemployed face licker. I said, “Regis, what the hell man? Why are you licking my face?” He said Beth had told him to do it, that is was my favorite way to wake up.
Which is kind of true, in a way. But not by an unemployed former early morning talk show host. Months ago a disgraced former speaker of the house, naughty Newt Gingrich, woke me up in much the same manner and it was twice as disgusting, but I digress.
My point is this, how do I keep getting myself in situations where these unwanted possible terrorists are sleeping in my guest rooms? At first I thought it was the Craigslist ad I have posted in the Tehran real estate trade section of Craigslist. All I was doing was trying to do one of those trade a room for an exotic room somewhere else. I need a vacation like you would not believe. Just yesterday I was talking to my favorite child Dingo and I said, “Dingo, when was the last time DaDa had a vacation” and Dingo said, “Dingo ain’t know nothin’ bout no cation.”
I did a wonderful job raising Dingo.
The point is, I needed a vacation, but I have somewhere south of 7 dollars in my savings account. So I put the exchange a room for a room in a couple of Craigslist’s different cities, Tehran being one of them. Damascus another. I could have made some mistakes on choosing a good vacation trade, but then again, my house is not all that trade worthy, being in a Pittsburgh ghetto.
So here I am, a house filled with Syrian terror subjects, some unwanted dogs that are, I hate to admit it, not housebroken (of course the Syrian rebels aren’t either) and all I can think of is those sunny beaches promised by the couple arriving tonight from Pyongyang, North Korea.
Things are certainly going to take a turn for the better.

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One thought on “The dog days of winter

  1. LOL! Great post. I think I’d tell Regis that if he does dishes and, perhaps, windows, he can lick your face to wake you up…:)..so how did HE fit into the mix exactly? Who’s friend of a friend is he or?? Just curious, given the list of colorful characters walking about your house, he seemed an unlikely gust. And, you might, perhaps, limit your Craigslist ads to exchanging rooms with people who live in countries that are less likely to give birth to terrorists, say Bali, or Italy maybe? Either way, thanks for sharing!

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