Microsoft Surface review, as a sex toy

After months and months of election coverage, not here mind you, but allowing others to pretend that an elderly rich white guy could spend a fortune to take back the White House, it’s now time to get back to the real purpose of this blog, reviewing electronic products.

Microsoft was nice enough to send me a shitty new Surface, a tablet-like piece of shit product the Redmond based crap company has pushed out to the populace like a Boston based mega-rich boring republican tried to do with a crappy useless tablet like brick. Surface sucks worse than Tumbleweed Romney does after a diet Coke and a hit of some legal marijuana. Microsoft has not released a good product in 50 years. How they are still in business is beyond me.

That said, I begged the nerds at Apple for a Iphone 5 to test out and they were stupid enough to allow me to test it out and I tried, but it is such a light little slippery mess, I almost immediately dropped it and ran over it with my Fiat 500 sporty little car. The Fiat 500 is a wonder, great gas mileage, fun to drive, easy to park and illegal for me to drive, although my non-jew attorney assures me that soon enough I too should be able to drive again. That said, the Apple Iphone 5 can not withstand the drive-over of a Fiat 500 which is not really asking a lot, so for me, the Iphone 5 is a major fail.

Samsung asked me to review the Galaxy 3, which is some sort of tablet/phone/sex device. How could I resist? First, for a tablet, it is too small, for a phone, too big and for a sex device, I could not figure out how to make it vibrate for more than a few seconds, so, fail/fail/fail.

Next up, a new toaster. Now, toasters should not ever be confused for sex toys, but after trying to play with a Galaxy 3 for 7 days, I was somewhat desperate, so the toaster was it. After 3 days in the hospital, I can report, the Target Toaster is a miracle worker, give it a shot, just don’t plug it in.


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