I was walking through the airport last week and I noticed something strange, well I noticed many things strange, airports are a breeding ground of strange things. In fact, when did it become OK for fat oafs to wear pajamas on international flights? Seriously, it’s fine by me that you want to eat yourself into an early grave, the earlier the better as far as I am concerned, I could care less, but really, why the slob couture? You think that your comfort trumps my visual long term health? Seriously? I doubt that very much.
I did not mean to get off on any tangents. In fact, my Jewish New Years resolution, September 10th, Happy Jew Year, and this Jew Years resolution is that I will remove all useless tangents from almost all useless posts, unless said posts are funny, then it will be on a need to post basis. Plus, some people, and by some people I mean my obese cat Mr. Piggy, hates it when I take note of other obese animals in the obese animal kingdom (OAK). Something I did not know about but the OAK has its own lobbying group, the Rush Limbaugh Nation (RLN) as it were, and they are a bitter and loud mouthed group, as you can imagine, and when you piss these slow moving objects off, well they trundle after you in hilarious ways that you can only turn and slyly laugh at, often times at airports.
Where was I? Something to do with airports? Yes, I was in the South recently, which much to my surprise is not nearly as inbred as I had been led to believe by years of bad American TV and at least one bad Burt Reynolds movie. So I get off my flight, move quickly past the slow moving RLN folks and many OAKs and quickly find my rental car, which of course I am no longer allowed to drive, long story short, the god loving people of my state have seen fit to remove my license – not from years of drugging and drinking, no not that. Of course, not that. Nor was it the various crashes or the cars I have left parked on the sides of highways and freeways and roads of various degrees of distress, no, none of that, no the good people of my state have, in their insipid wisdom finally thought it time I should no longer drive because I am an idiot. Had any of the overpaid state workers ever bothered to call and ask I would have happily told them, “why yes, I am an idiot too damn idiotic to read even a stop sign at this point and too foolish to understand its meaning, so please remove me from the roadways,” but no, no phone call was ever placed.
Instead, when I returned from a summer of bike rides and tar and feathering, I found a note, unsigned I might add, that basically said, “dear OAK, (oh how I hate it when they know me so well) stop driving today, you are stupid.”
That was it. So, now, instead of legally driving here and there and over there and back again, I rent cars in the south and drive back and forth and back again, illegally.
Happy Jew Year.