We are a gang of idiots and by we, I mean us, all of us, you and me and those people over there, yes, them.
That’s exactly why we have laws, because we are too damn stupid to control ourselves, we need parents to slap our wrists and remind us we are too damn stupid to control ourselves, lest we burn our hands on the hot flame of danger.
When I was pulled over this morning I immediately checked my speed, because I am very careful about how fast I go on highways. There was a time that I liked to drive incredibly fast in small sports cars that could drive incredibly fast. Not anymore. I am older and slower. My reflexes dulled by years of abuse of one sort or another.
There is a new law in my state. You can no longer text while driving. Again, because we are too stupid to do more than one thing at a time. We need big brother to step in and tell us when and when we can’t do things. I may be able to text and drive, but the good lord sweet Jesus knows that you are not. Stupid people are barely able to manage breathing and walking, so we can’t allow them to try and drive and text at the same time.
“Yes officer, I was wondering why you might be pulling me over, since I was not speeding.”
“Looked like you were texting, the new law went into effect last month and we are pulling people over to remind them that it is now illegal to text while driving. License and registration please.”
“I did not realize the law was now in effect.”
“Not realizing a law is not in effect does not allow you to disobey it.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean then?”
“I just was unclear when the law was actually going into effect.”
“Did you plan to curtail your texting after the law was in effect then?”
“License and registration.”
“I’ll need to see your cellphone too sir.”
There’s a few things in life that people should not have to share. I was once at a zoo with a few of my young children and we were watching the giraffes as they slowly were walking around their pen. They are strikingly lovely creatures and we were close enough that we could really get a sense of their majesty. The female giraffe turned her back to us and after a few seconds she lifted her tail and began to pee. This was no big deal, I raised my children right, they knew that animals had bodily functions just like they did, peeing was natural. Then the male giraffe leaned his giant neck down, and stuffed his enormous giraffe face right into his girlfriends peeing giraffe vagina area and she pee’d all over his face for a good 20 seconds. The kids and I stood there stunned. My brain went numb, the kids jaws just hung wide open, my youngest daughter looked from the giraffe with his face slathered in female giraffe urine to me, her completely dumbfounded father and back again to the water sport loving giraffe and back to me, her completely beside himself father until she finally asked what the giraffe was doing and I stood there in silence until her older, much wiser sister said, “he’s probably checking to see if she is ready to make a baby.”
“Really?” The youngest daughter asked her sister.
“Yes, that’s how he can tell. She will have a certain smell.”
“Is that true daddy?”
Oh shit, don’t drag me into this was my first thought. “Yes, I think he is checking to see if she is secreting hormones.”
“Did mommy do that?”
“We should go look at the monkeys now.” With any luck, they would just be banging away and I would have nothing else to say for the rest of the day.
The officer explained to me that he needed to see my phone because he would check to see the time of my last text, he needed to note that in on the citation.
“Well, what if I just agree that I was indeed texting?”
“Is there something you don’t want me to see?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Sir, we have to note the time of your last text, in case you want to fight the ticket.”
I handed over the phone, with a bit of disgrace. Of course, the problem I had with handing over the phone was that I had not only indeed been texting but I I had indeed been sending unruly images of one sort of another.
When the officer returned with the ticket and my phone he had some sort of smirk on his face. He handed me the ticket and my phone. He said I could send the ticket in and a magistrate would just accept my guilty plea via mail and send me a standard charge. I asked if he had any idea what that charge would be and he said he did not.
“If he saw those pictures, I would guess it would not be much,” he said, smiled and walked away.
I was willing to pay the fine. I was willing to accept the fact that I had broken the states new law to keep people from texting while driving. Did I really have to put up with a police officer mocking my sexting inadequacies? I made a mental note to only text pictures of water sport loving giraffes from now on, just in case.